The Talk That Lasts a Lifetime

Guiding Your Son Through God’s Design for Sex, Identity, and Relationships

Dad: (clears throat) So, uh… son, we should probably talk about… you know… stuff.

Son: Stuff? Like, what kind of stuff?

Dad: (fidgeting) Well, uh… the kind of stuff that happens when a boy… and a girl… um… like each other a lot.

Son: Oh. That stuff.

Dad: (nervously chuckles) Yeah. That stuff. You probably already know some things from school, right?

Son: Yep. Health class covered it. Also, the internet exists, Dad.

Dad: (panicked) The internet? Oh no. Okay, let’s just—forget the internet for a second. What I really want you to know is that, uh… sex is a big deal, and it’s not just about—uh—doing it, but about responsibility, respect, and—

Son: (grinning) Dad, you’re sweating.

Dad: (wipes forehead) Yeah, well, this is weird, okay? Look, I just want to make sure you can always talk to me. And that you, uh, make good choices.

Son: I get it, Dad. Respect, responsibility, and… no weird internet stuff.

Dad: (sighs in relief) Exactly. So, uh… wanna go get ice cream and never speak of this again?

Son: Best idea you’ve had all day.

Unfortunately, this template is probably how most men approach a conversation about sex with their sons.

We believe the whole process of teaching your son how wonderfully God designed our bodies for everything and anything they need to do is a lost art and a missed opportunity. This article will examine how to lay out the foundations for a conversational tone about sex and the development of your son.

The subject matter probably begins when a baby boy first begins to realize that he has a penis, which is as early as 6 months to a year. This is very normal behavior. It requires no coaching on your part. It is part of a baby’s curiosity and discovery. Generally, the less of a fuss you make about it, the easier it will be to move on. In some ways, you are setting the tone for how you handle the conversations you have with your son about sex; 1. No fuss and 2. When it’s necessary.

Potty training your young padawan is another golden opportunity to ‘set the table’ for future discussions about their body. Going back to our first point, include a conversation about how the food we eat, passes through our bodies and that which we don’t need passes through our system and into the toilet bowl. Note again with your child how wonderful the human body is and how God made everything good.

As your son begins to play with other children from ages 3-5, they are beginning to learn things from their playmates which may give you more opportunities for discussion:

-Teaching respect for other people.

-The value of friendships.

-Valuing play and discovery. One of the things that comes up in relationships with children is playing house or getting married or being boyfriend or girlfriend.

Don’t encourage or discourage these ideas. Children are simply emulating what they see around them. They are playing. Avoid knee-jerk reactions to children being innocent and wonderfully naïve. There’s nothing to worry about here. Eventually, the girls will have cooties and then you are into the next phase.

At this point, I want to insert the MOST important thing that you will do to teach your son about girls. How you treat your wife matters! Everything you ‘say’ will pale in comparison to what you ‘do’. The word here is CHERISH. If a man is married, his first ‘calling’ is to be a husband to his wife. If he has children, he is called to be a father to his children; in that order. How you treat your wife will be the way that your son treats women.

And now back to the cooties….

Social theories like Gender Schema Theory (Sandra Bern) lend scientific support for a child’s need to form gender-based relationships from ages 4-adolescence. You don’t really need scientific evidence to prove what is obvious. Boys gather with other boys who have similar interests, energy levels and play styles. Just go to the playground Enjoy this period because it’s about to get messy….

This a good season to teach the ideas of dignity and respect. Think about it: Being mean to someone because they are a girl (cooties), is the beginning of prejudice. These elementary years are a wonderful time to teach things like friendship, kindness, dignity, and mutual respect regardless of gender, race, etc.

Most ‘experts’ agree that a child’s moral code is established around age 9. Of course, the moral codes are going to mature and develop from here on out and they can be changed, but the groundwork has been laid. Is that scary? Just a reminder that we are talking about boys here. Girls begin to experience physical and emotional changes earlier than boys.

This may also be a good place to teach manners and chivalry. The basic precepts behind both are embedded in dignity and respect. Fleshing them out by teaching your boys to hold doors open, allow girls to enter a building before boys, standing when women are seated at a table, etc., will reinforce these ideas AND go a long way to impress the girls…eventually. Focus on the moral, spiritual dimension too. Although you’re not talking about pornography, masturbation, sex, etc., you’re laying out the worldview that supports those conversations in the future. Lastly, you may want to start introducing conversations about friends and what constitutes healthy friendships. The Bible has much to say about the company we keep and these principles are first learned through the friends we choose to be around. Peer pressure is going to be more of an issue in these coming years as YOUR influence over your child begins to give way to peer influence. So, while you still have the upper hand, introduce subjects like honesty, mutual respect, and loyalty. I did a VBS one year called “It’s VBS, Charlie Brown” It was all about friendship and the attributes of a good friend (and how to be one.) We used five Bible stories to illustrate five key characteristics of a good friend:

1. Sacrificial and Giving (Jesus and Lazarus)

2. Loyal: (Ruth and Naomi)

3. Encouraging and Thoughtful (Job and his friends)

4. Trustworthy (Jesus and Judas)

5. Dependable (Paul and Timothy)

Of all the themes I ever used for VBS, this may have been the most practical.

By age ten, it’s time to start talking about physical changes in the body. What a difference a guiding parent can be during these years of transition. As a father, this is where you want to shine! One of the best things you can do with your son during this phase is take him shopping for personal hygiene supplies. Initiate this phase with a celebration of his personal growth. He’ll need deodorant, shaving cream and a razor, and probably some acne creams and cleaners.

There are lots of age-appropriate books on these bodily changes in a boy during puberty. They ARE helpful. But here’s where you reap the rewards of the foundations you laid with your son up to this point. Conversations should be:

• Natural. What’s going on? Is it something you can talk to me about? Perfect world scenario is that it shouldn’t be weird. You and/or your son may be nervous, which is fine. But, it shouldn’t be weird. Use anatomical terms. Don’t use slang words for a penis or masturbation or wet dream or any of the other subjects associated with puberty. What about laughter? I encourage you to steer clear of it. There may be some laughter initially because of nerves. Set the tone early. It’s not serious, but it’s not funny, either. Because my father didn’t explain any of these things to me, I learned it from my peers or pornography. Do you know what that did? It made sex dirty. It wasn’t the gift that God made it to be. You can wrap this up and give it to your child like the wonderful and GOOD gift it is.

• Frequent. More than likely, you will have to initiate this conversation. There’s a mentality that you have to have “The Talk” with your son. This works against what is really necessary here; open and regular conversations. If you have “The Talk” chances are you’re one and done. I suggest that you don’t dump this topic on your son. You start by introducing some of the physical changes they should expect during this season in their life. You don’t want to layer that with other topics initially. Revisit the subject regularly.

• Relational. I can’t think of a better word here. What I mean is they should have a conversational tone. This isn’t a class or a lecture. Promote questions and discussion and don’t let your son off easy here. Remember my comment about ‘knee-jerk reactions’ earlier in this article? Keep that tone during this phase. Try NOT to be ‘surprised’ or ‘shocked’. Steady. What you’ve been trying to do since the onset of your son’s sexual development is to create open communication. Honestly, this transition can be a gold mine for you to grow closer to your boy.

A good rule of thumb is stay in front of these conversations before they start happening. You don’t want to react to problems.

Now we’re about 13. I say that because it’s Jewish custom for a boy to become accountable for his actions at this age. That is when they celebrate a boy’s rite of passage into the greater community through a bar-mitzvah.

I did say earlier that the progression of conversations leading up to intercourse should be natural and appropriate to your child’s development. I would caveat that by saying you should NOT have this conversation before the foundation of previous conversations has been laid. If it comes up, assure your son that you will have that conversation with him at the right time and ask him to trust you. Don’t lie about it unless they ask you when they are 5 or 6. Then…..well, you’re on your own. In other words, a child’s curiosity may lead him to ask the question earlier on in their personal development, but it doesn’t mean he’s ready for a full report. Pray for God’s leading and wisdom.

When it IS time, don’t avoid it. Start by framing it as a gift from God to demonstrate love between a man and a woman WITHIN the confines of MARRIAGE. As an aside here, you may go to a farm or see animals engaging in mating. An interesting point is that animals mate based on instinct and in seasons. God’s design for human beings is reproduction in the season of fertility within marriage.

• Gift of God

• Demonstration of Love (ultimate)

• Between a man and a woman

• Within the confines of marriage

An age-appropriate book is helpful to show parts of both male and female genitalia. I would not suggest pictures of coitus or sexual intercourse. Pubescent boys have enough problems being stimulated by visual cues when it comes to sex. This may also be a good time to introduce the idea of physical attraction to the opposite sex and crushes. You also want to assure your son that what he is going through is VERY normal and necessary even though it is new. I suggest that you don’t overload this session since it’s a big one! But you want to talk about wet dreams here too.

If you have established a good relationship with your son and you have established open communication, honesty, and trust in your relationship, the next level of conversations are much easier to have.

In the area of sexual feelings and self-exploration, you’ll need to discuss issues like masturbation and pornography.

Masturbation. Boys need to have a way to release the sexual tension caused by physical urges. The body will take care of some of this naturally. Present this issue in the light of normal behavior, albeit a private normal behavior. The problem with masturbation, in light of our faith, is the sexual fantasies that come with it. This is where pornography generally comes in.

“The eyes are the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness” Matthew 6: 22, 23.

When you fantasize about a woman and then masturbate over that fantasy, aren’t you, in part, joining yourself to that person spiritually? That you’re not physically engaged in intercourse, isn’t the point. The point is that you are joining yourself to a woman who is not your wife. The culture will tell them just the opposite. Remember that the further we get away from God’s order and God’s design, the more confusion we bring into our lives, communities and the world. It’s just TRUE and it’s true for all things spiritual. Don’t be deceived. Sex, the way God ordained it, is spiritual too.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, if anything is pure, lovely, or admirable, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8)

In the digital age we live in, our boys will be buried in pornography. When I was growing up, you could only find pornography under the bed at the hunting camps. You could drive into a porn shop along the road, but the stigma of having your car seen in the parking lot was more than enough to thwart your urge to stop. There was Spencer’s at the mall. Now, it’s literally everywhere and easily accessible to anyone who has a computer or television screen. It is certainly the dark side of the web. You must consider this assault when you give your child access to a cellphone or a screen. Do your due diligence to keep pornography out of your home. Remember, there is a spirit behind pornography. It’s a demon. If there is pornography in your house, you have given the devils access to your child’s heart. Matthew 12 talks about this.

Besides putting locks on your own devices and monitoring screen time in your home and on all of your devices, you may want to encourage your son to have an accountability partner regarding pornography.

Wait…it just occurred to me that YOU may be struggling with pornography or a sexual addiction. Again, the scope of this book is not about addictions. However, if this is an issue for YOU, I don’t believe it disqualifies you from teaching your son what is right. If we can only speak about spiritual issues that we have victory over, we would all be disqualified from many things. So many things in Proverbs were written by David or Solomon FOR their sons and they did a TERRIBLE job abiding by their own writings. It’s a constant theme in the Bible: God uses people who should have been disqualified. I would also add that you should pray about this addiction and seek help through counseling, accountability, or books. It’s not okay.

Back to the conversation, If you find that either one of these issues (pornography or masturbation get out of hand, you may want to get some professional help for your son. This is extreme, but it is an option. Also, remember that in the cognitive development of your son, they are now able to do critical thinking. Having these discussions in terms of choices, self-control, and responsibility.

Talk about oversimplified! I addressed sex, masturbation, and pornography in one page. Remember, this is an article on the time to have these conversations with your son and not necessarily the content of the conversations.

So, we’re up to about age 14.

Let’s talk about dating.

While it is not a popular idea in our culture, the biblical idea is courtship. When you are courting a woman you are considering them as a life mate in the institution of marriage. When I think about the drama and confusion that is wrought by kids ages 13-18 in the dating scene, my head spins. Much of that comes from the lack of maturity necessary to have a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Keep in mind that sexual relationships are meant to progress, it is the very nature of being IN a relationship. From holding hands, to kissing to ‘necking’ to intercourse, it is all meant to progress towards greater intimacy. If you start a dating relationship with a girl when you’re thirteen, what are the chances you’re not going to have sexual intercourse with her by the time you are 15, 16? And all the breaking up and jealousy, and distraction, and heartache.

When you allow dating, make sure that everyone is on the same page as far as the rules of the house. Remember, the home is the father’s dominion. He is the king of that castle and the spiritual covering for the home. Tolerance is NOT love. Go over family rules, curfews, and expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. You may have younger children in the house. You must consider their spiritual covering too.

My advice is to keep your boys out of dating relationships or encourage them not to date for as long as you can. I didn’t with my oldest and he survived…I think. But….yech. Let them go on dates with groups so that no one is WITH someone else. When there is a special event, like a prom or a school event, make it a lesson in chivalry and how to treat a girl with respect and dignity. Be involved AS YOU CAN BE in those events.

Just a couple of additional points:

• Growing more and more independent is the goal of raising healthy children. Keep in mind that you are fighting against a natural and necessary part of your son’s personal development. Individualization is the goal.

• You are NOT their friend. The best-case scenario is that it will happen someday. This is not the time or season for that. They need a father who sets important boundaries and MAINTAINS those boundaries with consequences, if necessary. Structure and order will help your son. Think about this: Peer pressure is so real. What happens when the other guys are doing something and your son doesn’t want to do it because he knows it’s wrong? He can always blame you, right? “Hey, my dad will KILL me if he finds out I did this.” You take the fall! Give your son a way out while saving some face.

• If you’re fortunate enough, you may be privy to your son’s thoughts and feelings about sex during these teen years. That is great and you want to stay as connected as possible. Usually, they will go to peers, which is also normal.

Here’s the goal:

• Raising a virgin. You laugh. Isn’t that the goal? Sex is for marriage between a man and a woman. This IS the best-case scenario.

• Raising a son who is open and (somewhat) honest with you in matters relating to sex.

• Raising a son is educated and well-informed by you about sexual development.

You. Have. One. Shot. You can do it.