The Devouring Mother

How idolatry & insecurity stunts the proper development of children

Tabernacle 2023 in review:

We had a great time 2 weeks ago on our father-son retreat! Hope you’re able to join us next year. If you or your church want to lead your own - reach out and let us know! We’d love to spread this awesome experience to other fathers and sons.

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Archetypes

While listening to a Jordan Peterson talk, I found myself fascinated by the notion of the "devouring mother". As a psychoanalytical term, it offers insight into much of where our culture is at today. This archetype represents a mother whose presence engulfs and consumes her child's individuality. Often overprotective, controlling, and manipulative, she smothers her child, making it difficult for them to establish their own identity or level of competence. The concept of the "devouring mother" can be traced back to psychologist Donald Winnicott in the 1950s, who maintained that such mothers impede their children's emotional growth and independence. Consequently, children may develop feelings of guilt or shame when attempting to assert their identity, believing they are betraying their mother. This can lead to low self-confidence and problems forming healthy relationships. It's crucial to note that the enveloping mother archetype extends beyond biological mothers, encompassing stepmothers, grandmothers, and even cultural institutions. Furthermore, exhibiting behaviors associated with this archetype does not necessarily imply malicious intent. Mothers may be driven by their insecurities or the desire to shield their child from harm.

To summarize, the devouring mother is equated to overprotection.

But - what’s the Bible have to say on this topic?

#1: Scripture

I asked ChatGPT what the top 10 verses were in the Bible related to parenting. Here’s the list with a singular word to that I feel like best describes them:

1. Proverbs 22:6 - TRAIN

   1. "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

2. Ephesians 6:4 - ENCOURAGE / DISCIPLINE

   1. "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

3. Proverbs 29:17 - DISCIPLINE

   1. "Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart."

4. Colossians 3:21 - ENCOURAGE

   1. "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

5. Proverbs 13:24 - DISCIPLINE

   1. "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."

6. Proverbs 19:18 - DISCIPLINE

   1. "Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death."

7. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 - TEACH

   1. "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

8. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 - TRAINING

   1. "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."

9. Psalm 127:3 - CHILDREN ARE A GIFT

   1. "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."

10. Isaiah 54:13 - TEACH

    1. "All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children."

11. Proverbs 23:13-14 - DISCIPLINE

    1. "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol."

As you saw, there were three primary themes throughout:

Teach - Discipline - Encourage

Although there is no doubt we’re called to protect - there is little evidence biblically that it is the highest priority as a parent. There are not many verses that say something similar the following:

“Parents, do not let your child get hurt. Do not let them fail or they will become failures. Make as many decisions for them so that they can go to the best college.” - Johnuus 13:1

#2: Idols

My Dad read a book a few years by David Goetz ago called “Death By Suburb”. In one part of the book, it documented our nation’s recent proclivity to put our children on a pedestal. Our culture has shifted from the children serving the family to the family serving the children. Our kids grow up thinking that they are then the center of existence and that it’s all about them. But what was most interesting, is that the author claimed that children have become the new “immortality symbols”. We’ve begun to live vicariously through them and give them what we never got growing up. We also see their accolades as a social currency to bring us to higher social status in our group.

This is something both the father and mother have done. We’ve idolized our children.

Mothers in particular, though, struggle with something different. Many mothers struggle with the following that are signs of idolization:

• Children gives their life purpose and meaning

• A mother’s worth is connected to them (as opposed to the tyrannical father whose worth is often found in work or success which is the other archetype that we will talk about next week).

• Children have the biggest influence on how you feel and think about yourself

• Your schedule is completely around them 24/7.

• You neglect other important areas of your life for them.

#3: Abraham & Isaac

This is a story most of you know. God tests Abraham's faith by asking him to sacrifice his beloved son, Isaac. Abraham, a loyal servant of God, agrees to the request and takes Isaac to Mount Moriah to perform the sacrifice. As Abraham prepares to kill his son, an angel appears and stops him, saying that his obedience has been proven. Instead, God provides a ram as a substitute for the sacrifice.

It is a powerful story, testing Abraham’s faith. Who did Abraham trust in and love more? God or his son, Isaac? Abraham demonstrates that his ultimate devotion was to God rather than his own desires. God was never going to require Abraham to go through with the sacrifice. He already had His provision in the bushes. And God knew what Abraham would choose in advance. The test was more for Abraham than for God. The Bible says that Abraham even believed that God would raise Isaac from the dead, if necessary. He put his faith in God. God often tests us for reasons of self revelation. But the devouring mother many times puts her child above God. And the by-product of this is not good. An over-prioritization of the child’s importance leads it to psychological, spiritual and even physical incompetence.

Tactics - So, what should I do?

A good model is something I learned in the Army - a document known as the risk matrix.

Any time that we had a training that I would lead, I’d have to put together a risk matrix and evaluate what the possible severity of injury could be and how probable that was to occur.

For instance, If your son is climbing on the 4 foot fence, he’ll probably fall. What’s the feasible worst-case scenario? He falls on his head on the grass. Fairly insignificant with moderate probability.

Let him go. He’ll fall. He’ll get back up - and he’ll learn.

Jordan Peterson had one guiding piece of advice - Do the least possible for your children (It is not neglect).

But be intentional with the things that matter!!

Prioritize your walk with the Lord, build your partner up - and help your children have a relationship with Christ.

Then - TRAIN - DISCIPLINE - ENCOURAGE

And remember - our children are God’s first. We are just stewards of them until they leave us.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."