Peer Pressure
The Role of Identity, Community, and Faith in Overcoming Peer Pressure
In 2003, George Barna published a book called “Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions”. The subtitle of the book was “Why Children Should Be Your Church’s #1 Priority”. It has been my go-to reference on a variety of topics relating to the spiritual formation of kids and it is certainly a must-read for anyone who is a proponent of children’s ministry.
I have used a section of that book extensively when talking about ‘influence’ at its reach on children. Barna cites 15+ influences of kids from today’s culture. Noting that the dominant ages of influence vary by ages (5-18), his highest eschelon is:
Music
Movies
TV
Internet
Publications
Laws and Public Policy
Parents
The next eschalon is:
Peers
Schools
Radio
Mentors
Colleges and Universities
Siblings.
The lower tier consists of:
Church/faith communities
Adult education
Counseling and therapy experiences
Extended family
A few things strike me about this research which would have been conducted in the early part of this century.
The impact of ‘internet’ would have skyrocketed up the list with social media, podcasting, and the likes.
Parents and Peers are closely connected, a point which should not go unnoticed.
The church is the lowest tier of influence. Studies which have since been published over the last 20 years show a decreasing level of influence despite our best efforts.
Recently, my grandson who is six-years-old, has exhibited some abnormal behavior that we can only credit to peer pressure. It has brought up the question of how we can best parent a child through the very real pressure our kids feel in these social contexts.
Let’s start with a definition of Peer Pressure:
Peer pressure is the influence exerted by peers to conform to their behaviors, values, or attitudes, often occurring during adolescence when social belonging becomes crucial. It stems from the desire to fit in and be accepted, often influenced by an individual's self-esteem, social identity, and past experiences with relationships.
To be sure, we are mostly considering children in the Concrete and Operational Stages of Piaget’s Cognitive Development Theory.
Concrete Operational Stage (7-11 years): Logical thinking develops, but it's limited to concrete, tangible concepts. Children understand conservation (quantity remains the same despite changes in shape or appearance) and can classify and organize objects.
Formal Operational Stage (12+ years): Abstract and hypothetical reasoning emerges. Adolescents can think logically about abstract concepts, test hypotheses, and consider future possibilities.
Let’s begin by stating the obvious:
-Peer pressure is partly influenced by a person’s desire to belong or fit in. This is a normal and important urging that we all have. It is uniquely tied into our survival instincts and the importance of community. While individuality is highly prized in today’s culture, it was the corporate communities of families, tribes, and nations that were of greater value in the past because of the need to survive and be protected. This is still one of the great allures of gangs in today’s culture. They provide wayward youth with a sense of belonging and, unfortunately, identity.
-There are some parts of pressure asserted by peers that can be beneficial if you’re in a good community. Pressure to conform can weed out weakness or eliminate self-harm to an individual. Sports teams benefit from this idea where a weak link in the chain can be detrimental to the entire group. So, it behooves the group to pressure that link.
Here's a key point about the psychology of peer pressure that we will need to leverage in our approach to intentional parenting through these phases of a child’s development. This point comes straight out of Barna’s book:
By the age of nine, most of the moral and spiritual foundations of a child are in place. From the time a child is born until he or she is in the early primary grades, the child is voraciously consuming cues and lessons related to each of the developmental dimensions. It seems that by the time he or she is nine, the child shifts mental gears and begins to use the cues he or she receives from that point forward to either confirm or challenge an existing perspective. It also appears that by the time the child has reached this age, it is much more difficult to change an existing view than to form a new view.
Therefore, our intentional parenting prior to this age is integral to the battle that lies ahead.
I have always been interested in the notion of ‘imprinting’ in humans. I closely align it with sports fandom, which is the binding loyalty and consequential emotional attachment a person gets from a sports brand. I used to think that this notion of ‘imprinting’ was somehow connected to similar forces in peer pressure. Although they share similarities, neither is the same as the (very real or perceived) force from peer pressure.
I suppose what we are talking about here is more closely aligned with the notion behind the movie “Inception”, which is about the willful manipulation of the subconscious. In our language, that would be ‘influence’. The goal here is to ground your child in identity.
In our soon to be released book “Boys Have a Dam Problem: Examining the Faults That Have Put Our Boys In Crisis.”, we talk extensively about this idea.
Blessing and Naming are tools we extol in the process. Our methods of Marking, Affirming, and Celebrating a boy’s rites of passage towards manhood are rooted in this idea of Identity. Identity brings purpose and without purpose boys will be lost in their desire to become men.
Besides the notion of identity, you may also want to consider a focus on open communication, building their self-esteem, actively listening to their concerns, encouraging them to say "no" when necessary, getting to know their friends, and teaching them healthy coping mechanisms to navigate social situations where they might feel pressured to conform; essentially, creating a supportive environment where they feel comfortable coming to you with any issues they face with peers.
Open communication:
Regularly talk to your child about their school life, friends, and any challenges they might be facing. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to share their experiences, both positive and negative.
Build self-esteem:
Affirm your child's strengths and individuality, helping them understand their self-worth is not dependent on others' opinions.
Teach "no" skills:
Role-play scenarios where your child can practice saying "no" confidently and politely when faced with peer pressure.
Get to know their friends:
Make an effort to meet your child's friends and their families to understand their social dynamics and ensure positive influences.
Encourage healthy coping mechanisms:
Teach your child strategies to navigate difficult situations, like politely excusing themselves from a conversation or finding a trusted adult to talk to if they feel pressured.
Empower decision-making:
Allow your child to make age-appropriate choices, while still providing guidance and setting clear boundaries.
Recognize the pressure:
Be aware of the potential pressures your child may face based on their age and social environment.
Celebrate their choices:
When your child stands up to peer pressure, acknowledge and praise their decision to stay true to themselves
People are most susceptible to peer pressure during adolescence, particularly in the early to middle teenage years (ages 12–18). This heightened susceptibility occurs due to several factors related to normal cognitive and social development:
Increased Importance of Peer Relationships: During adolescence, individuals place a greater emphasis on their relationships with peers as they begin to seek independence from their families. They are more likely to conform to peer norms to gain acceptance and avoid rejection.
Developing Identity: Adolescents are in the process of forming their own identities, which makes them more open to external influences as they explore different social roles and behaviors.
Heightened Emotional Sensitivity: The adolescent brain, particularly the limbic system, is highly sensitive to social rewards and punishments. This makes peer approval and fear of exclusion particularly powerful motivators.
Still-Developing Prefrontal Cortex: The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and weighing long-term consequences, is still maturing during adolescence. This makes it harder for teens to resist immediate social pressures.
This gradually decreases as individuals develop greater self-regulation, confidence in their identity, and decision-making skills in early adulthood
Paul, speaking to the new Christians in Rome tells them:
Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2).
Truthfully, the goal of peer pressure is conformity. God’s Word tells us to build our identity on who HE says we are, then to gather like-minded people around us so we can best conform to the image of His Son, Jesus and NOT to the world (or the people) around us. That is the ultimate goal of all spiritual formation.