Mentor Models
The power of a father-figure in a boy's life
Male Mentorship.
Long ago, when I first started taking my boys to the mountains with a group of men in the fall, it was called The Mentor Classic. That was a good name. Sometimes, you can throw a bunch of mud against the wall until something sticks. But that name stuck. When we broke off from that social group to bring more intention to training and affirming boys to be competent men of Christ-like character, it was hard to think of a name for our event that didn’t include the word ‘mentor’. It’s an event for fathers and sons, right? But not everyone that comes has a father. At our most recent event, we had two grandfathers, a stepfather, a step-brother, and a man who would be adopting a boy as his son, although he wasn’t yet married to the boy’s mother? It gets confusing to use the word ‘father’ in this generation. And, we needed to stay away from the word ‘mentor’ to distance ourselves from the previous situation, but what DO we use to describe this male role model?
God designed for every child to have a father in their life. It is God’s intention for your Father to be the first man in your life and forever the most important man in your life. The Father not only gives life but should impart it to you all the days of your life. Where a boy goes to his mother for comfort, a boy turns to his father for adventure and affirmation. But what happens when that man is no longer in a boy’s life?
In a recent Rich Roll Podcast, Scott Galloway says that the ‘single biggest point of failure in a man’s life’ is when a young man loses a male role model. I’m not familiar with Mr. Galloway’s work, but he has quite a resume and he has a personal story that resonates with the lost boy crisis. I did find this one particular statement he made in the podcast quite interesting. Of all the things contributing to the boy crisis, a ‘wicked’ problem for sure, this is the one he insinuates is the leading cause; the loss of (a) male role models.
And to be sure….he is correct.
The first of three root causes that we at Treign Up, have identified is contributing to the boy crisis is “Deprivation of Intentional Fathers in the Home.” There is no denying that the loss of a father figure in a boy’s life immediately puts him at a serious disadvantage in every way. As Galloway noted, “My mother had the foresight to get a lot of male role models in my life.” Great advice if you’re put in a situation where a boy is abandoned by a father-figure at a younger age. But where are those role models?
Galloway goes on to say that ‘the ultimate expression of masculinity is getting involved in the life of a boy who isn’t yours.’ I don’t know that that is provable, but it is powerful. However, culture has made even this type of charity seem suspicious. Michael Jackson and the Catholic Church have given men working with boys a black eye. Any “all boys” institution from the Boy Scouts to Augusta National Country Club must be broken up because of male patriarchy, white privilege, and toxic masculinity. What good can come out of a man working with young boys?
Men helping boys has become suspect with the perverted notion that any interaction between them is inherently predatory or inappropriate, perpetuating harmful stereotypes and hindering ‘positive mentorship’ and guidance.
To be sure, there are evil actors. But that stereotype is unfair and not indicative of the vast majority of men; nor does that false narrative mentality help in encouraging men to get involved in a young boy’s life.
One of the key tenants at Treign Up which separates us from other organizations speaking into the boy crisis is that we believe it is the company of men that must affirm masculinity in a boy. Not even a father, alone, can do this. It takes a tribe of men; a community. Rites of passage and the community of men have been integral in a boys journey to manhood since the beginning of time. In his book, “Adam’s Return: The Five Promises of Male Initiation”, Richard Rohr says,
The general assumption underlying all initiatory rites is that unless a young male is shown real power through a community of wise elders, he will always seek false power and likely will spend much of his life seeking prestige, perks and possessions.
This is the way of it.
Last weekend, we had a breakthrough with our Father-Son outing, “The Tournament”. At our retreat facility that sleeps 40, we had 54 people: 26 boys and 29 father-figures. Everything about the weekend was specifically designed to put men and boys together in a larger community: competitions; competency training…this year’s event was changing a car tire; and affirmation and blessing ceremony. I didn’t mention the WWE smackdown or the trailer rides around the pond or a hundred other isolated events that happened around the pond, the pontoon boats, or the paper football game. At any given moment, you could take a snapshot picture of a group of men working with a group of boys with the intention of affirmation, blessing and/or training.
For those who may be wondering, we had a worship service. But don’t miss the point. The devotion and the ministry was in being together; just being together to….
Train
Discipline.
Encourage.
To see some of the feedback from that event, go to our website at www.treignup.org/tournament. Also, we offer half-day events for churches to introduce these ideas and help connect your men and boys to the larger tribe of the (church) community, which is able to work together to Treign Up boys. That event is called Man Up and you can contact us for more information on how we can help you facilitate the event at your church. jeff@saltandlightmin.org.