Leaving the Nest
Guiding young men toward independence in a world that delays it
When I was 21, my Dad kicked me out of the house. It was literally kicking and it made an indelible mark on me. He was a man who was on his own when he was 19 and married with a child (me) on the way. I’m sure it was a heavy dose of reality for him. He often treated me like I had somehow interrupted his life. An unplanned pregnancy can do that; especially if you’re not married at the time.
At the time, he had two other young(er) children at home and I’m sure that he felt my time was up and I should be moving on. He was out of his house when he was 19 and that’s all he knew. Despite the fact that I only had six more months before college graduation and subsequent commissioning into the U.S.Army, he gave me the boot. He could have handled it better. We didn’t have a good relationship to begin with and so it was messy.
As we consider the dynamics of raising and training boys to be competent men of Christ-like character, the question may arise as to when is a good time for boys in a home to ‘fly the nest’ and learn to live on their own. The question has no absolute answers. There are many factors that can come into play:
-age/maturity
-financial situation
-behavior
-mental health
-Parent’s rules, boundaries and expectations
-legalities
-unusual situations and circumstances.
There may be more. Let me give you a few personal examples:
-I have a friend whose son fell into a life of being horribly addicted to drugs. As he spiraled out of control, they tried everything they could to get him help and turn him around. Eventually, he became a danger to the family, to include a disabled sister that lived at home. The father had to kick him out of the house in order to protect the other family members. He was stealing, dealing, and not following any of the ‘rules’ set in place by the father. Initially, he would feign remorse, and be aloud to come back home to live but would always fall back into the ruinous patterns that had become his life. Eventually, the father had legal grounds to put out a restraining order against his son. It was a horrible ordeal for the entire family. One night, the father got a call from local police saying that they had found the boy living in his car and was freezing. He was asking to come home. The father told the police that he could NOT come home and that he would have to stay in the car or be taken to a shelter or even jail. (It would not have been the first time.) This is an extreme case where the boy’s choices gave the father no alternative.
-I have other friends whose son graduated from high school and fell into a deep addiction to video games. He would stay up for days playing these games and then sleep off the ‘high’ just like any addiction. He couldn’t keep a job. He became reclusive and moody. He rarely came out into the light and stayed huddled around his gaming equipment in his dark room. The parents felt helpless in knowing how to handle the situation fearing that kicking him out of the house would only make him homeless and still addicted. This went on for several years. Should they have acted sooner to get him out of the house?
-My own son, came back to us at the age of 27 after going to college and then sharing an apartment with friends for a year. When they moved out to live with girlfriends, he was left with a lease that he couldn’t afford. So, he came home to live again and save money to buy a house. He has a steady job and is very responsible. He poses no problems, honors the rules, and shows us proper respect. He is a joy to have around, often filling our home with music. (He plays piano and violin.) I am aware that he needs to be on his own and he wants to be, but there doesn’t seem to be a compelling reason, yet, to push that and as long as he’s abiding by our rules and helping around the house. My wife and I are both in agreement that he can stay. Should he be paying rent if the point of him being here is to save up enough money to get his own house? Should we give him a deadline to move out?
These are just three of my own stories that show vastly different circumstances surrounding the issue of helping your son to launch. As I address this article, I think the best approach is to consider tactics, ideas, and the broader concept of transitioning to independence.
First of all, and most importantly, this is God’s design. I write about this regularly. Children are not YOURS. They are God’s children and you are coparenting with God. The whole point of raising children is preparing them for living life independently of you (and more dependent on God). The natural progression of personal growth and development is towards greater independence. Even God’s goal for your life is to release you into the fullness of all you were created and intended to do. As a father, this is part of your responsibility. What do you think we are going to do in eternity?
For me, the perfect frame for this matter is a king and a kingdom. You are truly the ‘master of your domain’. Everyone in your household is ‘subject’ to that authority just like in a kingdom. Hierarchy and order all part of God’s dominion and it is certainly true of the family unit that God designed. If someone in your household can not abide by the kingdom rules, they should be subject to be put ‘outside’ the kingdom. This is true in every level of God’s order throughout creation. Simultaneously, there is much to say about the way a father should ‘lord’ this authority over his household. It’s not heavy-handed.
Having said that, let’s consider other factors of your process:
1. Timing and Readiness
Emotional maturity: Is your son emotionally and mentally ready to handle independence? By the way, I would add that this factor also pertains to the parents. Many times, a sense of ‘needing to be needed’(parentificiation) can bleed over into holding on to your children well past the time they should be gone. This problem only fosters a sense of codependency as isn’t beneficial to anyone. In addition, I would add that when it’s time to launch or even when considering a child moving back into the home for a period of time, a mother’s role in making this decision can be tainted by emotion. While you and your spouse should be in agreement on this decision, understand that men truly are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Financial stability: Can he afford rent, groceries, transportation, and other living expenses?
Life skills: Does he know how to cook, clean, budget, handle emergencies, etc.? These are all skills that a boy should be learning as they live at home.
2. Motives and Communication
Clarify your intentions: Are you nudging out of love, to encourage independence, or out of frustration, resentment of anger? The moment is already ripe with high emoiton. If it goes south it will long be remembered and bring resentment and shame. Remember to frame this move as step forward and as an integral part of God’s design for their life.
Be honest but kind: Avoid passive-aggressive hints. Clear, compassionate communication works better.
Invite dialogue: Let your son express his thoughts, fears, or roadblocks.
3. Support and Planning
Help with the transition: Offer to assist in finding a place, budgeting, or job searching if needed.
Set a timeline: Rather than an abrupt move-out date, agree on a realistic timeline with goals.
Stay connected: Reassure him that moving out doesn’t mean losing your support or presence.
4. Boundaries and Expectations
House rules vs. independence: If he’s still at home, clarify expectations (chores, rent, curfew, etc.) to reduce friction.
Consequences of staying indefinitely: Be honest about what extended cohabitationmight cost him in terms of growth and responsibility.
As of 2023, a significant number of young men in the United States continue to reside with their parents. Specifically, 20% of men aged 25 to 34 were living at home, compared to 15% of women in the same age group . This is according to the Pew Research Center. This trend is influenced by various factors, including economic challenges such as high housing costs and student debt. For instance, in states like California and New Jersey, over 25% of young adults aged 25 to 34 live with their parents, as reported by the National Realtors Association. This is a notable shift since 2000 when less than 12% of young adults lived with parents. Then there’s the issue of boomerang children. These are adults who move back in with their parents after a period of independence. Some studies have posted up to 25% of families that have experienced this effect in their home. All of this to say, that if you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone.
It’s a subjective matter and one that can be emotionally charged. Finding the right answer or balance (nuanced approach) for your particular situation should take prayerful consideration along with the wisdom associated with the spiritual insights provided above.